i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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