Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
