So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
