We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
