I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
