The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
