On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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