I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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