I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
