the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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