I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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