I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
