I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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