seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
