My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
