apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why do cheetos always look like penises
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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