shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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