what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it hurts more in the daytime
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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