Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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