My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
