Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
