she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
