It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize