K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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