dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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