i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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