found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
