I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
