Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
