we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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