i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
