He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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