sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize