the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
