come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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