It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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