I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
