I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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