tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
