dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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