After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
