Your face is a jimmy john
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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