Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
