Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
