My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
