I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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