4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
