Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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