if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize