Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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