god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
