I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
