Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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