Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
