don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
