what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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