apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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