Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
