Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
