In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
