well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
