My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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